Kevin's Dead Cat

After surgery sliced off an entire tumor and 1/3 of my tongue, plus six weeks of radiation therapy, I've been re-learning how to eat, drink, and talk with my newly re-constructed tongue and coping with side effects. But the cancer came back and I don't know what's going to happen next.

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Location: Los Angeles, California, United States

I don't want life to imitate art. I want life to be art.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Magic Moments

I slept through most of last night. I had to bug James for a morphine shot at around 2am, otherwise, I was down for the count until 7am. I think it's the closest I've come to a normal night since day the trache tube was installed. Oh my, could I be feeling better?

I'm not sure exactly how I'm feeling better; whether my coping skills have gotten better, my body is reacting positively to the chemo, the Chinese herbs are doing their job, the mind-bending drugs are completely flushed out of me, or what. I'm almost afraid to say it out loud: 99% of what I'm feeling isn't despair and denial. But something has definitely happened. I'm sure James is grateful that he won't be waking up at 3am with my inner cannula lying next to my bed instead of in my trache are over. I'm grateful that James has a real shot at sleeping through the night now.

Then again, last night's Iron Chef America was Freakin' Incredible!!! Two of my favorite cookbook chefs had a pizza dough battle. For months after I got Todd English's Olives, I only made pizza dough his way. It was perfect dough: thin almost cracker-like but chewy and light. I only made this dough when I ate pizza alone, or with only one other person because it was very tricky to handle.

Mario Batali's Babbo is just a gem. I call it Italian soul food because he has stuff like tripe, roasted beets, sardines, and stuff no one else I know wants when they come over for dinner. But it's definitely the stuff that I adore.

I still fantasize about my dream dinner if the miracle happens. And in every incarnation, there's sure to be a recipe from either Olives or Babbo.

8 Comments:

Blogger GLAIKIT said...

I would be very interested to see what a Laura and James Dream Dinner menu would contain. You are both so eclectic, and have sophisticated palates. If you find yourself with a few moments, send me your favorite fish/fowl/meat, and extra credit points for wine suggestions as well.

Lots of Love

July 11, 2005 5:16 PM  
Blogger clowny said...

since all i'm really allowed to do these days is sit still and feed as often as I can, i'm sure i'll be getting my fantasy list to you eventually.

don't think i've forgotten that incredible haggis dinner you threw!

July 11, 2005 7:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is heartening to read your posts!
Your spirit is shining and your vision is returning to its cheerful self.

You are doing a magnificent job!

July 11, 2005 8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The dream dinner will come, not "if" the miracle happens, but "when" the miracle happens.
Don't worry Baby, it will come soon.

July 11, 2005 10:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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May 01, 2006 9:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Many people know the importance of self confidence and try to boost their own by using many different personal development models. Self confidence to most people is the ability to feel at ease in most situations but low self confidence in many areas may be due to a lack of self esteem. Low self esteem takes a more subtle form that low self confidence. So if you are tired of feeling not good enough, afraid of moving towards your desires and goals, feel that no matter what you do it is just never good enough, then your self esteem could do with a boost.
Every day we make decisions based on our level of self-esteem. We also exhibit that level of self esteem to those around us through our behaviour. 90% of all communication is non-verbal - it is not what you say but ho you say it that matters! Your body language, tonality and facial gestures can all tell a completely different story to your words. It is our behaviour which influences others and people react to us by reading our non-verbal communications. Have you ever met someone you just didn't like although on the surface they seemed polite and courteous, or you met someone who seemed to speak confidently yet you knew they were really frightened underneath and just displaying bravado?
Parental and peer influences play a major part in moulding our level of self-esteem when we are children and in our early years of adolescence. The opinions of the people closest to us and how they reacted to us as individuals or part of the group was a dominant factor in the processes involved in forming our self esteem.
As adults we tend to perpetuate these beliefs about ourselves and in the vast majority of cases they are ridiculously erroneous. It is time to re-evaluate our opinion of ourselves and come to some new conclusions about these old belief patterns.
Ask yourself some serious question:
Is your long-held view about yourself accurate? Do we respect the sources from which we derived these beliefs? Most of the negative feedback we bought into as we were growing up actually came from people we have little or no respect for and as adults we would probably laugh their comments away! Yet the damage to your self esteem was done when you were very young and you still carry it with you to this day.
Is it possible that even those people you respected, who influenced your self-worth, were wrong? Perhaps they had low self esteem also.
As adults we have the opportunity to reshape our self-esteem. Try to judge accurately the feedback you receive from people you respect. This process will allow you to deepen your understanding of yourself and expand your self-image. It will also show you were you actually need to change things about yourself and were you don't. Many people are striving to better themselves in areas where they are just fine or actually excelling and it is only because they have an inaccurate picture of themselves in their minds due to low self esteem!
Setting small goals and achieving them will greatly boost your self-esteem. Identify your real weakness and strengths and begin a training program to better your inter-personal or professional skills. This will support you in your future big life goals and boost your self-esteem and self confidence to high levels you didn't existed!
Learn to recognise what makes you feel good about yourself and do more of it. Everyone has certain things that they do which makes them feel worthwhile but people with low self esteem tend to belittle these feelings or ignore them.
Take inventory of all the things that you have already accomplished in your life no matter how small they may seem. Recognise that you have made achievements in your life and remember all the positive things that you have done for yourself and others. Take a note of your failures and don't make excuses like "I'm just not good enough" or "I just knew that would happen to me", analyse the situation and prepare yourself better for the next time. If someone else created success, regardless of the obstacles, then you are capable of doing the same! Remember everyone has different strengths and weakness so do not judge your own performance against that of another just use them as inspiration and know that what one human being has achieved so can another!
Surround yourself with people who respect you and want what is best for you - people who are honest about your strengths and will help you work through your weakness. Give the same level of support to them!
Avoid people who continually undermine you or make you feel small. These people are just displaying very low self esteem. As your own self esteem grows you will find that you are no longer intimidated by another's self confidence or success and you can actually be joyful for them! Do things you love to do and that make you happy. A truly happy person never has low self esteem they are too busy enjoying life! By getting busy living your life with passion and joy you will not be able to be self-consciousness.
If you find yourself feeling self-conscious in any situation focus on the fact that others can tell and many of them will be feeling the same. Be honest. People respond to someone better if they openly say "To tell you the truth I'm a bit nervous" rather than displaying bravo or fake confidence that they can see right through. Their reactions to you, will show your mind at a deep level, that there was actually nothing to be frightened of and everything is great. If someone reacts to this negatively they are just displaying low self esteem and very quickly you will find others noticing this! Really listen to people when they talk to you instead of running through all the negative things that could happen in your head or focusing on your lack of confidence. People respond to someone who is truly with them in the moment..
Breath deeply and slow down. Don't rush to do things.
Stop the negative talk! 'I'm no good at that' or "I couldn't possibly do that" are affirmations that support your lack of self esteem. Instead say "I have never done that before but I am willing to try" or "how best can I do that?". Which leads us to the last point - the quality of the questions you ask yourself s very important.
When you ask a question it almost always has a preposition in it. For example, "How did I mess that up?" presumes that something was messed up, a better way of phrasing the question would be "what way can I fix this quickly?", as this presumes you can and will fix it. Or "How am I ever going to reach my goal?" could be rephrased as "what way will lead me to my goal quicker" presumes that you are going to reach your goal! Get the picture? Change the quality of your questions and your results will change!
Practise these techniques and watch your self esteem rise day by day. personal development

May 26, 2006 11:49 AM  
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