Overwhelmed

James and I picked up our wedding rings yesterday. We just wore them out of the store, grinning like idiots.

That was the only good thing about this weekend. The tumor is wreaking havoc on what's left of my healthy tongue. There was some tissue loss when I brushed my teeth last night. It's scaring me to the point where the thought of eating, or putting anything in my mouth, brings me to tears before almost every meal. It's become a struggle just swallowing pills. No wonder I've become anorexic.

I don't think there's enough protein powder and Motrin to get me back to 115 lbs. For the past month, I've been fluctuating between 100 and 104. I want to eat more, but everything organic seems so expensive. Especially meat. If it was simply a matter of gaining weight I would be super-sizing like crazy. But according to my reading, my unhealthy fast-food past may be a big contributor to the fix I'm in now.

Side effects from radiation are still going strong: aching and stiffness in the jaw, ringing in the ears, fatigue. This past week was the worse it's ever been. It's been so frustrating because I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing: exercising, meditating, eating lots of small healthy meals, taking multi-vitamins, and taking the herbal medicine.

Then again, I'm not getting as much sleep as I should, and I'm still getting rid of stress in my life (as much as I have control over, anyway). Leslie pointed out the other day that I'm creating unnecessary tasks for myself for the wedding. Really accepting the fact that I can't do as much as I used to has been a tough hurdle.

James tells me I'm doing great. That I've taken on so much already and I'm going to be alright. I want to believe that. When he tells me, I do believe it. But when I'm not overwhelmed by the pain from the cancer, I'm so happy because of the wedding and marrying James. It's so much for just one person to feel. I wish there were two of me to live my life.