Keeping it together
Today was actually a really good day pain management-wise. I didn't need to dip into the Motrin bottle while I was at the office. And I was able to eat a ham and cheese sandwich with some fresh fruit for lunch.
But after dinner, there was so much dead tissue near the tumor that I had no choice but to cut it out myself. I nearly passed out in the bathroom. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never get back up again. But I had to keep it together because I was late for meeting with Adam about the wedding ceremony. So I sucked it up, rinsed out my mouth, and got my ass up to the penthouse to talk lighting and flowers.
If it weren't for James and this wedding, I wouldn't even be trying chemo. If it weren't for my friends and family, I probably would've died weeks ago. All the hope I have for myself and the future is about never wanting to leave the people I love so much.
It doesn't matter how much of my dead tongue I end up cutting out, the image of James, my family, my colleagues, and everybody who's coming to the wedding Saturday can always get me off the bathroom floor.
Carolyn sent me a care package today. It included a copy of the Lord's Prayer and a toy stuffed lamb. It's so adorable; I've named it Joaquin. Her emails and gifts have helped me more than all of the postings and webpages on PlanetCancer.org and the ACS website. I don't even really visit those websites anymore.
It's getting harder every day. But I'm hoping that chemo won't be as bad as it could be. I have to keep focusing on getting better so I won't have to leave everybody.
But after dinner, there was so much dead tissue near the tumor that I had no choice but to cut it out myself. I nearly passed out in the bathroom. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never get back up again. But I had to keep it together because I was late for meeting with Adam about the wedding ceremony. So I sucked it up, rinsed out my mouth, and got my ass up to the penthouse to talk lighting and flowers.
If it weren't for James and this wedding, I wouldn't even be trying chemo. If it weren't for my friends and family, I probably would've died weeks ago. All the hope I have for myself and the future is about never wanting to leave the people I love so much.
It doesn't matter how much of my dead tongue I end up cutting out, the image of James, my family, my colleagues, and everybody who's coming to the wedding Saturday can always get me off the bathroom floor.
Carolyn sent me a care package today. It included a copy of the Lord's Prayer and a toy stuffed lamb. It's so adorable; I've named it Joaquin. Her emails and gifts have helped me more than all of the postings and webpages on PlanetCancer.org and the ACS website. I don't even really visit those websites anymore.
It's getting harder every day. But I'm hoping that chemo won't be as bad as it could be. I have to keep focusing on getting better so I won't have to leave everybody.
posted by clowny | 5/02/2005 09:16:00 PM
1 Comments:
Umm, wow. Just, wow. I guess that's one way to avoid Kaiser's co-pays...do your own surgery.
I think love heals more than we know. Now that you are married, in the eyes of God and the world, maybe the benefits will be far beyond what medicine could do. Or a therapist. Or lithium.
Just please don't post any more of those medical pictures, I beg you...
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