Kevin's Dead Cat

After surgery sliced off an entire tumor and 1/3 of my tongue, plus six weeks of radiation therapy, I've been re-learning how to eat, drink, and talk with my newly re-constructed tongue and coping with side effects. But the cancer came back and I don't know what's going to happen next.

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Location: Los Angeles, California, United States

I don't want life to imitate art. I want life to be art.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Nostalgia and Amnesia

My parents and brother came by yesterday afternoon, and it was a really nice visit. We showed off our new sofa and my mom took some cuttings from my garden. There were also a couple of wedding photos that Lynn brought to the hospital that they hadn't seen before. But then I had to stop talking after a while and the visit got cut short again. But this time, I didn't feel exhausted when the visitors left. It sounds like such a little thing, but it's so encouraging.

During the three-day weekend, the tv has been on cooking and home-improvement shows almost constantly. I really miss cooking. On holiday weekends when James and I were dating, I would develop a weekend menu for us. We would spend Friday afternoon getting groceries, DVDs, and maybe even cruise by Giuliano's for fresh panne rustica, wine, or dessert; then we would be John & Yoko all weekend. We talked a little about how much we really miss those times. But there were still some good things about how we are now.

Last night was so purgatory. I don't allow myself too much time reminescing, yet when the current situation gets better, I'm afraid to hope for too much. I woke up in the middle of the night, as usual, but was completely disoriented because I didn't need to clear my T-tube, take a morphine, or even go to the bathroom. My neck was stiff, but otherwise it could've been any other night before the last surgery. I didn't know what to do with myself. I honestly had no idea what day it was, how I got there or why I wasn't feeling like crap.

James woke up, and we talked for a little while. I was able to get my bearings back after a few seconds. He's happy that I've been feeling better the past couple of days. I'm still so guarded during the daytime, that we only really talk at night.

Tomorrow is my follow-up appointment with Dr. McNicoll. Danny, James' friend in New York, wants to fly us over for a consult at Memorial Sloane-Kettering. There's a promising drug that just completed clinical trials on humans that may be available at MSK.

I can't allow myself to get too excited or hopeful, but it won't stop me from doing what I can to get completely well, or as well as I can be.


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