The illusion of control

I went back to the office today. The walk did me good since it was such a beautiful morning; beautiful day actually. The sky was so clear we could see all the way to the Hollywood sign from our office window. I even went to happy hour this evening and had some fried appetizers and a beer... with a Motrin. What the hell. I wasn't driving home.

I did a little online research on tumor recurrence: it means that microscopic cancer cells from the original tumor have grown. So I don't know if the radiation therapy was useless, zapped a bunch of other cancer cells, prevented metastasis (which is the spread of cancer cells to other parts of the body), or what. I'm still learning more about cancer than I ever wanted to.

I spent some time on the Mouth Cancer Foundation message board. It sucks that the only online support I have available is a UK site. Especially since everyone participating seems to be at least twenty years older than me. There was a woman who had the same carcinoma I had, and the doctors didn't even offer tongue reconstruction as an option! To her, the procedure I went through was a rumor from far away in America. So I'm still feeling fortunate on some level.

I have to admit that all the research I'm doing on different kinds of chemotherapy (so I'll be prepared to ask the doctors proper questions) is giving me the illusion of being in control. So I am feeling less stressed.

My tongue still hurts sometimes, but I'm limiting myself to three Motrin a day, and one codeine tablet before I go to sleep. Otherwise, I have to either find a quiet place to meditate if I'm at work, knit (yeah, I started knitting last weekend), or scrape old paint from my window sill. It's my latest home improvement project. I didn't think it would ever be a good thing that I'm easily distracted.

I told my friends today. They're being great, as usual.