Kevin's Dead Cat

After surgery sliced off an entire tumor and 1/3 of my tongue, plus six weeks of radiation therapy, I've been re-learning how to eat, drink, and talk with my newly re-constructed tongue and coping with side effects. But the cancer came back and I don't know what's going to happen next.

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Location: Los Angeles, California, United States

I don't want life to imitate art. I want life to be art.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Steps to battling depression

Get drunk at a trendy, expensive restaurant in an outfit I can't really afford but look GREAT in, while Eric "bitches" about what an expensive date I am as he orders more and more food and drink, then end the evening at my favorite bar dancing up a storm with Eric, Gary, and Ali until closing time, and I'm ready to go home to James, who would rather spend his spring break making sure I'm okay than doing anything else.

This second round of cancer is better because more people know, but it's also worse for the same reason. There are people I put on a brave face for, and those I can cry my eyes out with. Everyone wants to be there for me, and they say things like "let me know if you need anything." But since what I need changes from day to day, the anger and frustration makes me think unfair thoughts of some people. I think about them and want to yell, "I need you to make me forget that I'm sick! I hate you for not being here with me now!"

I hate what this cancer relapse is doing to me. The first time around I had ignorance on my side. But knowing about the pain, loss of taste, loss of hair, and other side effects to come has taken what little romantic ideas of "facing cancer with courage" left, and driven them right off that rickety bridge named denial. There was nothing courageous about the first time. I just didn't know what the hell I was in for.

All the research I'm doing to prepare myself for the coming weeks isn't going to change my day to day regimen much. I go back to juicing, less pilates, more meditation, and do everything I can to avoid stress. Unfortunately, that involves spending less time with certain people. I can't really give specifics, but maybe it is time that I quit enabling dysfunctional behavior for the sake of keeping the peace.


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