Kevin's Dead Cat

After surgery sliced off an entire tumor and 1/3 of my tongue, plus six weeks of radiation therapy, I've been re-learning how to eat, drink, and talk with my newly re-constructed tongue and coping with side effects. But the cancer came back and I don't know what's going to happen next.

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Location: Los Angeles, California, United States

I don't want life to imitate art. I want life to be art.

Thursday, March 31, 2005

No more Mr. Nice Guy

The Hawks played at Cole's last night. John and Paloma brought me Easter candy, a bona fide Philly pretzel stick with salt, and lots of dollar bills down my pants. We have the photographs to prove it. That's because I was bartending for a while, but I'm sure Paloma would've been shoving her hands in my jeans regardless (right, John?).

Ali, Allan, Celia, Kristen, Catherine, Andy, Chuck, Mike, Jay, Laurel, Amy, Lauren, Tim, Leslie, Ryan, Tony, Thelma, Gary, Randall, Paul, Rob, a few Friday night regulars, and some very cute newbies made for an interesting evening.

After a couple of potent shots and equally potent kisses, I was having a great time and well on my way to getting out of the past week's depression. Especially since Adam called earlier to let me know that the haggis had arrived from McKeans, and that we were all set for Friday night.

But I got very tired and left early, and the evening ended in a big, lame, "whatever." (Apparently, I can still get emotionally blind-sided by a "good" guy.)

When I got home I was back at square one.

Romaine called this morning, and we talked for a while. I realized that no matter how great my friends are and how much support they give me, they can't help me with my depression. I've basically given up on the "fake it 'til you make it" approach. Screw the brave, cheerful facade.

Allegra sent me a copy of "Kafka on the Shore" to cheer me up. It made me cry because it was a perfect gift and because the idea of anything cheering me up just seems so futile at this point.

A lot of patients go through the post-surgery and post-radiation depression and anger. Why should I be immune? Because I don't look sick? Up to now, I've done everything I've been told to do to be healthy, and I still have cancer.

Welcome to the club, there're plenty of us.

I'm just so tired of fighting, and for nothing. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I hope that by just surrendering to this riptide I'll eventually resurface. But "hope" is too strong a word, and I'm too weary to trust it anymore.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so lucky to have such good and supportive friends. Seize the day Laura.

April 01, 2005 5:02 PM  
Blogger clowny said...

no matter how bad it got, or may soon get, i will never forget how blessed i am for my friends.

fortunately, whenever i ask any of them if they feel appreciated they've always answered yes. the old saying is true: if you want a good friend you have to be a good friend.

April 03, 2005 6:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you want to see some of the pictures from that night of debauchery at Cole's just check out the pictures I posted at! I put you (Laura) on the shared list but if there are others of you out there who want to see, hit me up and I'll add you to the list!! I got my moneys worth that night (please refer to the pictures to see what I mean)!! HONK HONK!!!!!
hugs & kisses and cheap groping action!
John L

April 03, 2005 7:27 PM  
Blogger clowny said...

I loooove those pictures! Especially "Shocker and Dollars."

But I think you're holding out on me. Wasn't there a picture of me and Paloma at some point? Or is it a tequila memory?

"It Takes THREE To Party!"

April 04, 2005 11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm, I wish i had some pictures like that! I like the imagery in my mind anyway. Perhaps I should make a drawing of it... ha ha.
smooch - John L

April 04, 2005 4:26 PM  
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