Time flies, regardless.

I postponed my appointment with Dr. McNicoll yesterday. Maria is going to call me when the results of last week's CTscan are ready. She also cancelled the appointment with Radiation Oncology scheduled for tomorrow. What would be the point?

I have an appointment with a different Medical Oncologist on the 14th. Romain says that Dr. B is not as rigid with his diagnosis as Dr. S, and is more open in discussing what the patient wants as opposed to what he feels the patient should do. If chemo can't cure me, but can buy me some time I'll do it. Who knows, it may not make me as sick as Dr. S. thinks it will.

My mother has been gathering telephone numbers from her friends at Kaiser, Filipina nurses of course. Telephone numbers for clinical trials and 2nd opinions. It's what I've been doing all week. That and trying to eat more. I've dipped below 100 lbs. While Calvin Klein may think I look fabulous, I don't. The other night, Ali and Leslie wouldn't let me leave Cole's until I cleaned off my meatloaf dinner.

I've also been trolling the message boards on PlanetCancer.org, and developing a new eating strategy based on the meal journal I've been keeping. I could definitely be doing better.

On Monday, my brother told me not to become fatalistic. I'm trying. I'm trying to find things to look forward to. I'm trying to imagine a life beyond the next three years.

Ever since I was little, I've wanted to be a grandmother. I always imagined that on my deathbed I would be surrounded by my grandchildren. I let go of that image this week. But I'm not angry anymore.